I don’t even know how I’ve managed not to blog the entire year! Well, most of the year. Last time I wrote was New Year’s and now it’s the end of April. But with school and all the craziness, I haven’t found the time! Well, we have some major catching up to do.
An issue I’m dealing with at present is not knowing what job I’m going to have next year. Student chaplain or girl’s dorm RA? I am applying for both, but I don’t know which one God prefers me to have. I really want the chaplain job, but if someone else gets it I understand that it’s not apart of God’s plan for me. And if His plan is for me to be an RA, I will do it full heartedly. I just wish God would tell me what’s up sometimes you know? Wouldn’t it be absolutely amazing if Jesus just texted me one day and said, “Oh hey Hailey I just thought I’d let you know that you’re going to be the student chaplain next year. Good luck!” But, of course, life doesn’t program that way. I just hope that whatever God’s plan is for me, that I do it well and that I don’t let Him down.
Issue #2 that’s actually not an issue at all but totally awesome is the fact that a producer got in touch with me and we are setting up an appointment to work on my songs as we speak. He said that we will first go through my songs and he’ll give me tips and such, then performances, and then record my demo which will hopefully get me some recognition thanks to his connections. I feel like this is really my big break. Like maybe this is something God wants me to do with my life. If music becomes my career, I will owe it all to God and be thankful for the rest of my life! This is my absolute dream! I’d be doing everything I love: making music, performing, spreading the Gospel, living God’s plan (hopefully) … I am just praying that it all works out. I know the devil will try to bring me down, but I have confidence in God to say that I will be protected.
This year has undoubtedly been the best year of my life. Some things have sucked, and yes I’ve made some mistakes that only a few people know about, but my life is changing for the better and I love it. Last year was so confusing and finding myself seemed nearly impossible. Now, I know who I am and I love it! I have amazing friends that I hate to lose after graduation. I have a boyfriend who has been there for me through thick and thin. My family has been so supportive of my decisions. Jesus has been my main focus and totally delivered. I have changed so much in just a year, but it’s all for the better. I am praying that as I reach 18 years that I make good decisions, that I keep God with me where ever I go, and that my dreams will come true. Loving life and so blessed.
It’s been a while since I last posted anything. A few months I’m guessing. But I was on this website called http://thequietplaceproject.com/. You should really check it out. It is all about taking some time out of your busy day, and just relax and go to your “quiet place.” There is one exercise on the website where you write all your thoughts out and right before your eyes it breaks off and drops into space, or I suppose, the universe we call internet.
When I did this the first line I wrote was, “I am so tired of trying to be what I think others want me to be.” I had no idea that this had been bothering me so much. And it’s no one’s fault but my own for even thinking anyone wants anything specific from my life, my choices. Sometimes I think we plant a seed in our brain from birth that we live only to please. We serve or are served as apart of the well-being or content of others.
Have you ever asked yourself the simplest of questions? Why are you so interested in losing weight? Why do you want that job promotion? Why do you need that new phone so badly? Why do you want to learn to cook? Why do you want kids? When I ask myself these questions, I am checking one thing and one thing only:
Am I doing all these things to make myself happier, or to reach the expectations of others around me?
When I think of the expectations I think people have of me, I take a closer look and eventually realize none of them exist. What people want from you is a smile. Friendliness. Content. Peacefulness. Fulfillment. Happiness.
What are you doing to get your happiness? Whatever size, shape, religion, personality, color, or past you possess … you deserve something that’s universal and more obtainable than you think:
To be happy.
Pathetic. According to Dictionary.com it means several things. The first being: causing or evoking pity, sympathetic sadness, sorrow, etc.
The second: affecting or moving the feelings.
The third: pertaining to or caused by the feelings.
And the fourth: miserably or contemptibly inadequate.
The fourth really speaks to me right now. Although later I will be thinking, “Oh my God I’m stupid. I’m not pathetic!” But at the moment, it is how I truly feel. I have a problem with comparing myself to others. Even when I can see right through their perfect plastic lives, I still envy them. Their designer clothes, the money, the mansion, the family and friends … Even things that aren’t so glamorous I find myself to be jealous of. I see a happy couple, I’m upset because I’m too afraid to get into things. I see someone smiling carefree, I wish I was that happy.
But I began reading this book called “The Happiness Makeover.” Pathetic I feel for having to purchase and read a book that is telling me how to be happy, but I am sick of the pity party I’ve thrown myself, so I’m trying really hard to make a difference. One thing that stuck with me in this book was that is mentions something I find to be very true. “We’re all going around assuming others are better off than we are and feeling miserable in comparison rather than enjoying what we do have.”
I. Do. This. All. The. Time! It’s so frustrating! Living a life where nothing is good enough for you is miserable and ultimately unnecessary, yet I discovered that’s how I am. I do know all that I have and I’m so grateful, but does it really mean something to me? If I was to lose everything this moment, how would I handle it? I know what it’s like to sleep on both sides of the bed. I have experienced both lavishness and discord. So why am I so … not appreciative as I should be? I don’t know why. Maybe it’s the depression. But I am tired of knowing my greatest faults that are getting in the way of my happiness, and not doing anything about it.
In one’s life, one must make decisions. We make them everyday. Good or bad, you must come to a conclusion on them. We have so many choices to make in our lives: our professions, mates, health, clothing, etc. But being a teenager and making decisions is, in a few words, hell-in-the-membrane. There are an abundance of experiences we crave that were unknown to us in our childhood. When presented to us, we pounce without thought and do what we want. Not because it’s allowed or makes us feel rebellious, but because we can.
The big decision for me at the moment is what exactly do I want to experience in my life? I have said plenty of times to friends that I want to have every human adventure in this life: love, marriage, kids, a career … but what about the bad things? Should I want to get involved with those, too? I did say I wanted to do just about everything.
I have friends who have gotten drunk a few times, maybe smoked some pot, had a little sex. Sometimes I think, “Well that’s not too bad. It’s not like she smokes everyday, right?” We justify the frowned upon by making excuses for them. Just like an unloving boyfriend we say, “Oh, he’s just going through a really hard time right now,” or, my favorite, “He’s just busy.” Excuses.
I’m not saying I’m perfect. I have been tempted numerous times to smoke a cigarette, take a shot, whatever. I wonder what the big hype on drugs is all about. It makes you feel unreal, invincible, strong, and right when I really do consider calling up one of my friends to ask to get high, I realize …
I don’t need drugs to make me a happy person.
Contemplating doing drugs makes me think about all the things that make me happy, and there are so many things I can’t remember them all.
1. My family. Even though I don’t see them too much, to know that I have people who genuinely care about me and are proud of what I do, makes me so grateful because I know many who don’t have the luxury of a functioning family.
2. My friends. The people I can share anything with. And I mean anything. As much as you’d want to, you can’t tell your family certain details in your life, and that’s where your girl and guy friends step in.
3. My home. I never realized it until I actually moved here, but Denver, the city, is where I’m meant to be. Despite the fact that I’ve only been on the lightrail once this summer and I couldn’t even do it alone. I still love this place. The lights, the spots, the feel of it is so right for me and I’m glad I found my place so early in life.
4. My music. Although I give myself a hard time, I do believe in myself. I have the dedication and determination to make it, and a lot of people do, but the real competition is obviously talent. If I make a song, and I feel it isn’t good enough, I will rewrite and rerecord. Whatever I have to do to meet not only my standards, but listeners standards, I will do. That’s how badly I want to do this. I can’t picture doing anything else with my life.
So tonight I ask you this: Before making another decisions, good or bad, think of the things in your life that make you happy. And if you can’t think of anything, go and make yourself the happiness that you and everyone else deserves.
Today I woke up not feeling too great. I wasn’t feeling physically sick, but I could tell I just wasn’t myself. I tried shaking off the feeling by watching some tv to distract myself from my feelings, but it didn’t work. In fact, it made it worse.
I was watching Degrassi (don’t judge me) and it triggered something in me that I don’t dare trigger on purpose. In the show this girl becomes addicted to cocaine. For the record, I have never done drugs or gotten drunk, but I can relate to the feeling of thinking you aren’t good enough for anything. And when you feel like that for such a long time, you’re bound to get addicted to something that makes you feel good for a single moment. Even if it only lasts a few seconds, at least you’re feeling something.
I have had several addictions. First it was hurting myself. Then getting high off of whatever cleaning supplies were in the house. And finally an eating disorder. I struggle with all of these things everyday. Even though God has granted me with the power to deal with these issues without using any medication, it’s still a daily fight. I woke up this morning feelings like I did just last year. I felt like a hopeless, fat, ugly, unimportant human being who had nothing good to offer the world. We all have those days, but mine are not like everyone else’s. Mine are hazardous, dangerous, and self destructive. So I have to be very careful when I notice I am feeling like I did all those months ago. I have to convince myself why I need to eat, why I shouldn’t cut, why I am important … but learning when and how to convince myself these things was the hardest thing I have ever had to learn and grow accustomed to.
I am a happy person now. I am so lucky and blessed to have people that really care about me. I have people that would die if they knew of how much I’ve suffered in the past. Not saying I’ve had the worst life in the world, I haven’t. But I have been through a lot just like everyone else has, but it was all accompanied by a mental disorder. I am just having one of those days.
I had an epiphany. It is so simple, and it has definitely crossed my mind a few times, but now I actually get it … I don’t have to figure out what I want to do with my life right now.
The majority of my life, I’ve been fantasizing about my future career, all the places I’m going to see, the people I’ll meet. It hit me tonight while I was journaling that, it really doesn’t matter right now. I’m a junior in high school, not a sophomore in college. I don’t even have to declare a major when I get out of high school! It’s good to know what you’re interested in and where your talents lye. I, for example, am a pretty decent writer. I’m interested in recording arts, film, and writing. That’s really all I need to know for college anyways right?
I have so many dreams that I’ve spent so much time chasing, particularly my music. Everyday I record, which I love doing, but I don’t think I’ll be able to go anywhere without an education on the subject of recording and being in a real studio and such. I can only teach myself so much. THAT RHYMED! Anyways, I have figured that the best thing to do in my situation is to not stress out about it, but to give my worries to God. Pray about it. Ask for guidance.
I do feel that I’m here for a reason. That God is going to use me in some way. But I have no idea what he wants me to do with my life. Sure I want to pursue music and my writing, but is that what He has planned for me? All I can do is pray for the best, and give my life to God. I trust Him and I know whatever He has in store for me will benefit someone in a positive way, and that’s all I can ask for in life is to help others.
Do you ever just randomly think about how incredibly blessed you are in life? I was just doing my thing, watching youtube, facebooking, the norm … when it hit me. Wow. I have so much to be thankful for it’s insane. I have a fantastic family who are thick as thieves, I have a fantastic mother who supports me in everything I do, I have a hilarious sister, I have a pretty cool cat, I have an awesome apartment, I have great friends … I’m not trying to brag about all the awesome things I have in my life, I’m just amazed at how little appreciated everything is on a day-to-day basis.
Everyday I wake up, eat, sometimes workout, watch tv, write music, hangout with mom, sometimes go to a show, and sleep. What if I was born somewhere else with different parents, customs, etc? What if I didn’t have the luxury of wifi, or education, or even water? I sometimes wonder how people in third world countries do it. They have no choice which saddens me, but it amazes me how much fight a single person can have in them. I have met some incredible people in my life who have been through so much I can’t even fathom how they are still alive. Not only are they alive, but they’re happy. They choose to not be the victim of their misfortunes, but a shining example to all those who are struggling to keep their chin up high.
I will admit, sometimes I will find myself feeling sorry for myself. We’ve all done. We should all be able to fess up to it. But every time I get that feeling I think, “That all happened in the past. It’s a new day, and you have so much going for you. You’re so lucky to have made it this far in life. Just keep going.” And I do. And it feels great! Everything in my life right now is going pretty perfectly. I know it won’t last, because nothing really does, but I’ve gotten to the point where it’s ok. I know all this perfectness will end soon and something bad will mess things up, but I can handle it. We have no choice but to handle it. It’s the only way to make it through life. I want to thank my incredible family, friends, and God for everything. I am blessed, and I am happy.
Many people struggle their whole lives juggling all these different beliefs we have to choose from. You can believe in smoking, or not smoking. Maybe you believe in love at first sight, opposed to those who think it’s bullshit. Perhaps you believe in karma, so you always try to do right by others. No matter what you believe, I respect it. I may not agree with it, but I’m not a close minded person.
Very recently I became a Christian. Some may think when reading that, “Oh here we go again! Another crazy Jesus freak talking about her religion that no one else cares about.” Well, first of all, I am not a “Jesus freak.” I would never pressure anyone to become a Christian. That’s not what believing in Jesus is about. Unless someone comes up to me personally and asks, “Hey, Hailey, tell me about your religion and what you believe. I’m interested in knowing,” I won’t talk about it with them.
Now I wasn’t always a Christian. For a good majority of my life I was agnostic. I didn’t know what I believed in. I was going through a time where I was figuring out who the hell I was, and why I was here. I looked for answers through everything, and found nothing. That was until I started going to a Christian boarding school. How I decided to go is actually crazy and totally last minute.
It was late in the summer and my sister and I were staying at my grandparents’ house in Nebraska. We shared the same bed because at nighttime the house got seriously creepy, and Courtney was telling me all the cool things about this school. She said that even though it was one of the hardest things she had to do, living at school with different rules all alone, she said it was really good for her. She told me that you make a lot of friends, and you experience God, blah blah blah. I wasn’t buying any of it. I didn’t believe in God and she knew that. So why was she rubbing it in my face? But then all of a sudden I said, “I’ll go.” My sister paused, not sure if I was kidding. I had never been so serious in my life.
Deciding to go to this school has been the best decision I have ever made in my life so far. I remember telling my sister that I would never believe in God. That this school would not change who I was. Well, I was wrong. It changed me in every way possible, but in a good way. I had been suffering for depression for the last eight years and it was at it’s worse my first semester.
So how did I end up getting baptized within a year? Well, first, I decided to be less close minded and try something different out. I prayed for the first time in about three years. First for little things such as letting me have a good day, giving me energy during class, help me with my music, etc. I saw that my prayers were coming true and I was improving. So I kicked it up a notch asking for bigger things. I asked for God to please help me get good grades, to help me discover who I am, and most importantly, for my depression to get under control. I remember one day I was so overwhelmed with stress that right when I entered my dorm room I fell to the ground, silently screaming, crying my eyes out and I did and ol’ school prayer. I gathered myself to my knees, put my hands together, closed my eyes, and said a prayer out loud directly to God.
“God,” I said in a quivering voice. “If you’re really there. If you’re truly my God and if I should follow you then please take this pain away from me. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m exhausted with life, and I’m terrified of what’s to come if I don’t get better. Why was I made this way? I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. Please God I need you! Heal me please!” I stayed in position, trying to recover from my body aching cry, and I opened my eyes. I felt a huge relief all of a sudden. Like I could move on and get what I needed to get done, done. And I did.
Now I was seeing a therapist at the time, and a few days later we had one final meeting before I left for winter break. She told me that she thought this break would be good for me to really practice the exercises she gave me for control my positive and negative thoughts about myself, and to be in a less stressful environment to get back on my feet. I left for Christmas break, and when I returned to school, I felt completely different. I was waking up refreshed, I started working out nearly daily, I was doing my homework … I felt amazing. I knew it wouldn’t last long, so I was waiting for the depression to take it’s hit again, but it didn’t. Weeks went by and I didn’t cry once. I didn’t consider hurting myself, or judging myself once. Then after a couple months, I knew my depression had gone.
My therapy went from every week, then to every other week, then to once a month. And then I graduated from it. I made so much progress that I didn’t need to advice anymore. I knew what I had to do to have control over my disease. All thanks to God. So then I took it another step further. I said, “God, if Jesus truly is your son, I pray you give me a sign to believe in him.” And just like he sent me a sign in Bible class. We watched a video about a hardcore atheist, who became a Christian. He was an investigative journalist, and wanted to find facts in the Bible. And he did. He read all the prophecies that came true, he matched the dates in the Bible with real life history, and with much hesitatio, he caved. He believed. He started going to church and began building his relationship with Christ, and it completely changed his life for the better.
A while later, I got baptized, which is a whole other complicated story, but it happened and I’m happy I made the decision to follow Jesus despite what anyone else thinks. I’m a proud Christian, who, yes, definitely still makes heavy mistakes, but I’m forgiven, and I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life.
I’m lonely. I have everything that I wanted to get out of the summer, and I still feel all alone. I’ve moved to Denver, a city I love, I’m in a band, I got an electric guitar, I’m losing weight … But I’m still lonely. Moving to a new place is hard, even for me who has moved at least ten times. I love moving! Going to a new place, starting over. It’s fantastic. But what’s hard for me is making friends in a place like this. Yes I am friends with the people in my band, which is pretty awesome, but I just can’t get enough can I?
Another thing that just tends to suck is the fact that, even though I’m totally over the last guy I was with, it’s seriously lame for me having nothing to fall back on. This may be a healthy thing. Lately I’ve been the master of going from one guy to another to avoid dealing with being heart broken or disappointed, but now I have no one to … use. It’s terrible that I even want to use someone. I know what it’s like being used, and it’s the only thing that has ever hurt me more than I thought I could be. I don’t want to use anyone. I’d feel like a hypocritical piece of shit. But I don’t deal with emotions well at all.
I am used to not dealing with emotions, period, actually. I am the kind of girl who is relatively unattached from her feelings. I really don’t give a shit about a lot of stuff. If I get into a fight with someone I don’t bawl my eyes out to my mom, I say, “Well this sucks,” and move on. But when I really give in and trust someone, and tell them things I don’t tell just anyone, and they hurt me, it’s the worst feeling in the world, and the only one I’m unable to ignore. I can’t just flip the switch like usual and move on with my life. I linger on everything that hurt me, and what’s worse is I think of all the amazing things about the person who did this to me, rather than hate them like I should be doing. It kills me that I let myself fall for someone who was a total ass hole, and it sucks to know that I knew it the entire time. I even remember admitting it once. But I still kept with it because I was convinced I was going to be the one who would change him. I was obviously wrong.
Love can be an amazing thing but how the hell are you supposed to know your heart from your hormones at this age? At the prime of your youth when everything is absolutely crazy, and raging out of control? You can’t. It’s impossible. Some people make it through their relationships that they had as teens, and most of us change and evolve, and move on to someone else. I’m not interested in finding my husband at age seventeen, but is it too much to ask for a guy who gets me who I’m genuinely attracted to? Guess so.
Any teenager from any generation can tell you that the media puts an incredible amount of pressure on the adolescent society to be a certain way. Whether it be looks or personality, they are determined to shove their idea of “hot” and “cool” down the throats of kids and teenagers everywhere. Even adults feel the heat from the television, telling them how much money they should make, what they should wear, what they should eat or not eat more or less. SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD, SHOULD!
I despise that word. Should. Why should I be anything other than myself? I will admit I’ve done some stupid things, and I’m not perfect, but perfection is overrated anyhow! I am not a perfect stick that can look gorgeous in nothing but a trash bag and a string, but I’m not fat either. I don’t have the greatest sense of style and my taste is actually pretty boring, but I know how to look decent. I don’t have a job and I’m not a millionaire with three kondos who parties day and night, because I have no interest in being that.
I admit though, that sometimes the pressure gets to me. I’ll be watching Millionaire Matchmaker (a new addicting show that I’m hooked on for some odd reason) and think, “Wow I want to live that kind of lifestyle.” And who wouldn’t? Anyone would love spontaneous trips to Europe, private helicopters, and a delicious mansion to call home. It’s a good life, but is it the life for me? Would I be better off living as a normal, middle class working woman or a million-dollar-making entrepreneur? It’s weird to think that I would actually want to live an average life, but I suppose I’ll have to keep living and see where life takes me.
Another show I have come to be obsessed with is Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. This is a genuinely good show. It’s inspiring and proves that anyone can lose weight and start living a healthier lifestyle just by motivation and determination. This is how weight loss should be encouraged.
The way I’ve been told to lose weight or to become an extremely thin clone of everyone else, was by society and fellow students. It kills me to think of all the conversations I overheard in grade school about when they’re next “bathroom break” would be and how they feel so much better after not eating for the past two days. True, these girls were skinny, and popular, but they were unhealthy and miserable, getting attention for all the wrong reasons. When I was younger I craved to be more like them. To have lots of friends, to be ungodly thin, to have boyfriends. As I got older, I realized that these girls aren’t going to be on top of the world forever. It’ll end after high school, maybe after college, and then they’ll find themselves at the bottom with no true friends and a hasty eating disorder.
I’m not saying that all beautiful, skinny girls are insecure anorexic bimbos. I know there are plenty of people who are either naturally skinny, or they work out like a beast and eat healthy. But when a girl starts starving or bingeing to fit into society, you know we’ve done something wrong as a community. Shouldn’t we be lifting each other up, instead of tearing each other down? I suppose our society is nothing but a battle of shoulds and shouldn’ts.
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